I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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