we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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