when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
