Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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