this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
