remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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