do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
