I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
