i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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