My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
