at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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