I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
