the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
