And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
