she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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