quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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