I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
