Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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