dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
