i permit you to call me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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