I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
