I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
