The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
