I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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