bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
