Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
