So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
