..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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