oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
