I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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