Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
