I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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