I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
