Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
