I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
