So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
