Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
