break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
