Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
