i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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