Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
