Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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