Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
