I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
