your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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