I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
