...so i touched it.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
