Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
