I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
