he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
