i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
two words: eviction party
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
